17 hours ago
This week's Quotes are brought to you by Lisa L., or Termie as she is known in my little black heart. Tell her what you think!
"I need a lot of information. I need to know how to sue somebody. Can you tell me how to do that? And he's an atheist. Is that going to matter?"
"'I work with HIV/AIDS patients, I'm covered in tattoos, I consider myself alternative in that I really hate conformity and at times will even have a mohawk.' Yup, no conformity there. None whatsoever. Not a butch cliche in her carload."
Mormon Housewife Facebook status: "Totals on the friendship bread: 15 loaves, 3 bundts. And I still have one more batch to go (maybe tomorrow) that will give me another bundt plus 5 loaves (unless someone wants a start, then I'm done)."
"You look really tired. Besides looking tired you look like you took a Xanax. It's okay if you did, I take Ativan. It helps me relax."
"I need lyrics to this certain song. I listen to a lot of stuff in the middle of the night so I don't always catch the artist and I tried to call them but they didn't know so can you help me? It goes like this: 'la la la la la I turn the radio on.'"
"If you remove the tense, wordless moments you are left with ten minutes of tense dialog. #breakingbad"
"I'm not as unconscious as I was nine days ago, but I still am a little bit."
A: "Just heard that Anthropology is the second worst major for earning money after graduation."
B: "Was poli sci the worse? Cuz it sure feels like it should be...:)"
A: "I don't think I pulled my wet pink panties out of the trunk of [my roommate's] car."
B: "That's not very nice. You and your roommate are close like that?"
A: "I did all that worrying for nothing!"
B: "Feel better?"
A: "A lot, actually. I would've lost a butch stamp for getting caught with pink panties.
B: "And for calling them panties."
"[My daughter] has been inducted into the 'chocolate group' at after-school care. A 9-year-old Korean girl is the ringleader. She got a pink personal invite today, complete with a password. I told her I am not supplying her with chocolate on a daily basis for this club."
"I wouldn't let her run a celery farm."
"Nothing will stop my family from burying my great-grandfather's rotting corpse in the Haunted Mansion graveyard at Disney."
"Music Trivia: Korn was originally called Cettle Korn, but changed their name after realizing 'kettle' was spelled incorrectly."
"Money-saving Tip: Don't pay taxes. Then when the IRS comes for you, say 'Taxes? I thought you said TEXAS.' Then go to jail and eat for free."
"Just because it's raining doesn't mean the library opens earlier, fuckface. We should put that on a sign."
"I'm at a vegan buffet. That's what I call drinking fountains."
"Your cat reminds me of Elk City, Oklahoma. I hate him and I can't sleep."
"Goddamnit, I swear. The next person who posts a fucking picture of chicken chow mein or a fucking gourmet motherfucking fuckcake on Instagram--lo-fi, Earlybird, motherfuck!--is going to get a photo of my next bowel movement smeared on their Facebook wall. Fuck!"
"Before leaving your house wearing clothes that are the same color as your skin, please take a moment to remember that some people have eyes."
A: "He's got a funny body."
B: "Yep, he's shaped like a rotten pear."
A: "You look like you've done pretty well for yourself."
B: "Yes. That sofa is made from Seabiscuit."
"Today I had a 64-year-old woman tell me she has never pet a kitten. What the fuck is wrong with people?"
"The most we have in common is that he plays football and I hate football."
"Thank you. I'd like to give you all long uncomfortable uncle hugs."
"I am one sneeze away from an urban myth."
"Lent is over! I just watched a Youtube video of a cat opening a freezer!"
"There needs to be a font especially made to convey sarcasm. #sarcastica"
"I almost arranged a booty call the other night with this girl online. We were sexting and all that and I was so close to 'get over here' but she was only 24 and a bad speller."
"Most of my ideas come to me while I'm in the shower. Which is why most of my ideas are waterproof desserts."
"There's a JFK museum in Dallas. It's at the book suppository."
"Turns out you're not allowed to literally drag someone to court. Also turns out food courts aren't recognized by the legal system."
A: "Haha, I just discovered this video website with tons of funny videos on it. Have you guys heard of this? youtube.com"
B: "No. Tell me more."
A: "You know how your cat does cute things? Well, this is a site where you can record your cat and show other people how cute it is."
A: "Remember her [piece of artwork] that had my teeth in it? I found them in a desk drawer yesterday. When she moved out, she took the art, but left the fucking teeth. Covered in glue, mind you."
B: "Glue tooth! Like a blue tooth but sticky."