17 minutes ago
Friday, May 18, 2012
"I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying if you got shot, I'd be the shooter."
"When my psychiatrist says something particularly insightful, I tell her, 'Well, now you can diagnose me as 'clinically IMpressed'!"
"There's a wireless network in our building named 'Pretty Fly for a Wi-fi.'"
"These HR meetings sound a lot like Twitter. Everyone is talking about openings and positions they want someone to fill."
"Colonel Mustard did it. In the library. With a candlestick. Pervert. I hope he calls me."
"I believe marriage should remain as God intended: a sacred bond between a man and a woman, formed over a few weeks, through an elimination contest, on national television. Between white people."
"True story: my parents went to a party where the theme was to come dressed in poor taste. My mom trashed herself up, but my dad refused to get in the spirit of things, so just wore his normal clothes. He won second place."
"Chickens love cherries."
"Perfume commercials are a comforting reminder that the world makes no sense."
"I literally turn into a 20-ft cyborg narwhal with flame-thrower testicles every time someone says they literally did something."
"I don't have standards. I have sittards."
Exchanges:
A: "My worst nightmare is being punched in the face."
B: "That's a stupid thing to be afraid of when you're an asshole."
A: "Ick! What is this music we're listening to??"
B: "It's the Foo Fighters!"
A: "Gross. It sounds like Dave Matthews."
B: "No it does not! No matter what music you don't like, you always say it sounds like Dave Matthews."
A: "This is true, yes."
A: "If you get cremated, I might keep a little piece of you around my neck."
B: "Like my pelvis?"
Friday, May 11, 2012
"Isn't Pokemon pretty much just kid-friendly cockfighting?"
Facebook status: "Mandatory gay marriage."
"Hey guys, I know the bible got slavery wrong, but I think everything else it has to say must be right." - billions of people for some reason
"Why, god? Why? There are some strange birds in this world and they all have library cards."
"Way to go, North Carolina. The Internet tells me you're the 30th state to constitutionally ban same-sex marriage. The Internet also tells me that your state motto is 'To be, rather than to seem.' Good job being unexceptional rather than just seeming that way."
"I think Veggie Tales might be having the opposite effect intended. Mollie now thinks tomatoes are God."
"The super moon was all up in my windows last night."
"A baby who can hold his own bottle means parents who can play Angry Birds."
"Enough banter sexy be-itches. Kik me the fisting footage as agreed in our contract. This is a DM right?"
"If someone beeps at you because the traffic light just turned green, you can bet that motherfucker is not on Twitter."
"Since months of trashy Netflix has prepared you for this moment, maybe you will find a tiara at the bottom!"
"Thank goodness we solved that whole financial crisis unemployment recession thing and can now focus on important things like stopping love."
Exchange:
A: "Left my windows down when I was parked out back to unload and naturally my boxing gloves were stolen in that ten minute period."
B: "Maybe the boxing gloves thief will get ringworm!"
A: "My hands do not have ringworm. I think my foot is just a scar actually. Will ask my eye doctor to confirm that next week."
Friday, May 4, 2012
This installment of Quotes by the lovely Andrea Delcore could be dubbed "Quotes of My Life." Andrea is a quirky little thing with a giant heart and a great sense of humor. Show her you love her!
Part I: Life at Home
[very late at night]
Me: "I think as long as I can make my own decisions, I don't care if someone wants to marry someone of the same sex or have multiple wives."
Hank: "What if I wanted to take a second spouse...and it was the toaster?"
Me: "I guess I would want to know your reasons."
Hank: "Would you want to get to know the toaster?"
Me: "I DO know the toaster. That's what makes it weird."
Hank just told our dog, Carla: "You are being both bad and gross. I don't know which one I am punishing you for. We do not fight over Jax's puke."
Hank just coined the phrase, "special kind of a--hole."
"I'm thankful that we didn't know Max licked our wedding cake. Until now."
Mom: "You've been saying that for years...you got that from F Troop? I thought you made that up."
Dad: "Dear, I've never had an original thought in my life."
"What does it say about bath time at our house that I found an empty beer bottle among the bath toys after it was over?"
Hank: "Pubic hair? That's what it is. What else do you want me to call it? Pubes?"
Hank [to toddler]: "Henry, do you want to say the prayer tonight?" Henry: "Yes."
Hank: "What do you want to tell God that you're grateful for?"
Henry: "Cheese."
Hank: "Thank you, God, for cheese."
Follow up comments: "Thank you, cheeses" and "Blessed are the cheesemakers."
Part II: Overheard at the Office
Student: "Have I reached my agulated loan limits?"
Me: "No, but unfortunately you HAVE reached your aggregates."
"The person you are trying to reach is not accepting calls right now. I love that. I'm changing my voicemail to that."
Just got a meeting request. Subject: "I have lemon bites at my desk." Accept!
"Did he just say liberry?!?"
A: "How much would you spend on a pot?"
B: "What kind of pot?"
A: "Cooking pot."
B: "Oh, that kind of pot."
Me: "Oh my gosh. Samich is NOT a word. I'll never last in this place."
[later] "Samich Lady just called a student Mini Van. She thinks that's his name."
[even later] "She may say samich, but she sure makes good tamales."
One of my students changed her name and said, "I am not mentally ill, I am NOT!" Then she threatened me. Sure, you're not.
Just heard my boss say, "My boob denied your request."
Part III: Social Media
"I know there's a God...bacon is proof!!"
"The 1950's called. They want their oppressive gender roles back."
She said, "Although those are in high demand, they aren't sold out... But the shipping costs are a bitch," (after I asked if what she almost bought me was a hawt Brit).
"Eggo cereal with maple syrup flavoring, you are like scented crack...You don't satisfy my tummy and yet, I cannot say no to you..."
Kindergartner: "When I am 100 years old, I will be an old guy with wrinkly skin. I will wear a new shirt everyday. I will live at Alex's house and we will play video games everyday. We will eat orange chicken made by our robot foodmaker. He says 'Make Food' and kills bad guys. He's a transformer, but that's a secret."
A: "That face says it all."
B: "You mean it says, 'Mischief and mayhem?'"
A: "Yup."
"There was a 'This American Life' episode about a rooster. The guy started loving that rooster, and he wanted to just keep paying the fine. Eventually he had to get rid of it though. It went to live on a farm. Which is where roosters BELONG."
A: "Cleaned my butt off today. Dang. Time for bed."
B: "Nothing better than going to bed with a clean butt. ;)"
Part IV: Any Given Day
"Don't think of it as losing your virginity-think of it as gaining sex."
"This American Life just lost my interest when Ira Glass said Act One was titled Dartmouth Atlas Shrugged."
"I am wondering how string cheese trivia would know that a cat has a higher IQ than monkeys, chimps, and humans. And I'm suspicious." [later] "Re-read string cheese trivia. Maybe a cat is smarter than me. The cat's IQ is SURPASSED only by monkeys, chimps, and humans."
"He was an atheist or a Hindu or something."
"I am boycotting Popeyes on McKinley for being out of Hi-C, only taking cash, and being as rude as I was about it."
"Why do you have to re-push the elevator button? I already pushed it. You can see it's lit up. Keep your hands to yourself."
"Affirmative action: How thousands of white tomato pickers lost their jobs to illegal immigrants."
"I want to know why a Constitution class can't stick to THE CONSTITUTION. You bunch of conservatives. My instructor said, and I quote, 'Sex education has done nothing but teach kids how to have sex.' What sex education class was he in?! And later, he started off an online post with, 'I got this email and I don't know if it's true or not, but...'"
My favorite comment from the Lowell Community charette: "too many hoes in the alleys."
"I can't remember why I hate him, Megan, but I know I do so I just go with it."
My gynecologist asked me if deep penetration was painful. When I said no, he said, "Goooood for you!"
Advice from Redbook: "Be careful when placing solid food in your vagina."
Travis: "Hey, Andrea! I am going to miss the Delcores so much. When I first met you and you were with Hank, I was like, "Damn! She is REALLY young." But then I got to know you, and you're cool. And meeting you, and Hank, and Henry and Sammy Baby Jr, I'm going to REALLY miss the Delcores! I can tell you this because I'm not drunk."
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