23 hours ago
"My iPhone thinks if I typed 'Yeesh,' I really meant Tereshkova."
"Let's get all dressed up and reenact our favorite mistakes!"
"Today was pretty awesome until a toddler's diaper exploded. Thank god we had a custodian on duty, because I had no idea what to do with that much doody."
"There are pop cycles in the freezer for everyone."
"I lived in an apartment near Forest Lake. I always thought the gunshots gave Tuscaloosa a sort of inner-city charm."
"Dang we are going to get tanked Saturday night! I will provide one half full bottle of Zima. That'll get us going. We can pass it around, sing sailor songs, and say stuff like, 'You're the best friend a guy can have!'"
"When I get my hysterectomy I'm going to send her my uterus. Great gag gift!"
A: "Today, an over-tan, makeupped, uppity, whorewife with stale beer breath asked me for 'Twenty-five Shades of Grey by Rosie O'Donnell.' I didn't even play kind with her, I just put my hand on my hip and shook my head."
B: "That seriously happened? Of course it did, what am I thinking? Dave had a customer who referred to pepperoni as 'red circle meat.'"
A: "Let me bite your elbow!"
B: "A weanus is not comfort food!"
A: "Stop arguing!"
A: "I have a positive attitude and and I can bring some whiskey."
B: "Travis does bring a pretty nice positive attitude! His smile is at least 80 watts."
A: "Could be brighter. The yellow on my teeth lights up a room like a 1970's office without windows."